I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
