: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
