im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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