Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
