she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
A+ Viking dick
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
