I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
