Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
