Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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