Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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