i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
