I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
