forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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