I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
