She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
So squirting runs in the family.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
