I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
