We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
