Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Drunk is a universal language darling
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