Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
