She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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