you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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