what day is it and did you see me today?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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