Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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