Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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