1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.