You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
