I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
