Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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