Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
