just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
