my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
