How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
