My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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