The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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