this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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