I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
