nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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