So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize