I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
