So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
