That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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