Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
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