I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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