Midget sex pt 2 tonight
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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