How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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