Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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