Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics â¤ï¸
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
