Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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