I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
