I wish I only lived at night.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
