I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
