I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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