Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
