No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
