You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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