Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
