Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
