im having a threesome with these popsicles
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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